Dear Boy10:31 PM
I graduated from high school! It was one of the best days of my life. I wish you could have been there. All of my friends came. They brought signs and each held up a letter that spelled, “GO RACHEL!” Isn't that great?!
This is a love story; a love story that hasn't happened yet. Reading through these letters of mine, some over ten years old, my heart wells up thinking of all of the moments I've stored up and shared and somehow I hope he knows; I hope he'll appreciate.
How to look you in the eye and say I’ve been true? I love you where you are. Please be deserving of these precious words of mine.
When I was around 15 years old, I started writing letters to the man I would someday marry. They started out as a sort of “hope chest”, but now the letters have grown into something special, something sacred in my life. They’re a reminder not to date too casually, or to use men’s hearts unwisely, and to realize that what I’ve set aside is something special, something worth fighting for.
It seems like forever since I’ve been able to write! I’m sixteen now, but I don’t feel much different...
I've met so many broken hearted people. I see young girls who've thrown away every bit of their heart to the first taker and lived in the devastation thereafter when he walked away or proved to be something far different than what they imagined. I’ve seen the pangs of loneliness fill friends' eyes as they wonder if they’ll ever find someone to care for them, to cherish them. And I've talked with a lot of Christian single guys and girls who’ve decided to wait, wondering if the person they’ll marry even bothered to wait for them.
How far away you seem….. It’s funny to think you’re somewhere out there, right now. I wonder what you’re doing or who your latest crush is. I wonder if you’re dating someone right now. I wonder if you are thinking she is the one for you.
“I feel haunted instead of loved. So far, I can’t see why Christianity is so wonderful.”
He entered my life on a warm summer evening. He came when I wasn’t particularly attractive; but like any true knight, He came when I was distressed. And He swept me off my feet. I’d never known deep emotion like that before, the feeling that, for the rest of my life, come what may, I’d remember and I’d cherish the moment we met. I fell in love. It was a dance, a courtship, a chase, a turning and being won. It was heaven and He was my creator. All my life I’d waited for “The One” and at 21, there He was.
I’d grown up hearing about God but He always seemed so vague and demanding. The reality was far different. Within a year of coming to know Him, He started to take me around this world that He’d created; China, New York, the Western United States, Ireland, and Germany. It was as if He was so excited for me to see the things He’d made; the good He’d done. He introduced me to people I never would have met, cultures I never would have seen, and on many a starry night we’d stand in awe of what He’d created, gazing up at the night sky together. He started to give me a tenderness and empathy I’d never possessed. The closer I was to Him the more I saw the hearts of other people. He was and is the greatest love story in my life. I’ve dated different men and I’ve known affection blooming into romance, but none of it compared to what I’d seen and what I’d known in His arms. There were moments of disappointment when I’d look into a man’s eyes and didn’t see His visage reflected there and I'd begin to wonder if there were any guys who were following Him. He'd often assure me that someday things would change, someday things would be different.
“I wish you were here now, but somehow you are not supposed to be at my side at this point in my life.”
So, I kept on hoping. I felt encouraged to write, to share with him the moments he wasn’t there.
I’m moving to Ireland in September. It seems hardly possible when just a year ago all I wanted was to finish school.
I told him about my days, my friends, even my crushes. I wrote him about my heartaches and victories, my trials and tears, my joys and failings.
Last fall I went on my first date and it was, bar none, the worst night of my life! There was this creepy guy....
Even some funny moments:
The dog just came up to me and started sniffing my leg. Funny how animals can ruin the moment!
I’m learning how to cook now! I’m doing that just for you. Okay..., so I want to be able to eat on my own too!
And in almost every letter, I remind him that I’m praying for him wherever he is, whatever he’s doing.
Maybe you are half way across the world from me or a few minutes away…. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing…I prayed for you now.
At times it feels childish and simplistic to write someone you’ve never met, but a part of me just doesn’t mind being childish about some things. You see, I’ve got this feeling that he’s worth waiting for and let me tell you, I’ve been waiting a while!
I imagine by now we’ll have fought quite a bit and I’ll have enjoyed every minute of it!
Curious people often ask me if it’s worth it or why I’d do such a thing?
“Why not just enjoy sex?”
“It’s not like it’s a commitment or anything!”
“No one would begrudge your enjoying the now!”
And that’s when it comes back to the other guy, the other one I made a promise to: my Jesus. He reigns so fiercely in my heart that my life isn’t really any of my business anymore. On petulant days, He often reminds me of that :).
My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. I am free! I just don't have the inclination to throw that away. And then there’s some people who’ve had that purity wrenched away from them, taken at far too young an age. Maybe even by somebody who should’ve been trustworthy. Or maybe you didn’t meet the Lord until a little farther down the road. And that’s when the redemption comes in. There was a life paid so we could be free. There was pain and agony and blood to make us whole and pure again. That’s why I try to respect what He’s done. I was once “a slave to my passions”, but am now a slave to love. You can have that too. You really can. And yes, it’s worth it. I have never once regretted saving my body and my heart for the man I’ll call my husband. I also get asked if it isn't hard. Some days....you betcha! And what if I never do meet anybody? Honestly, I'll have absolutely no regrets.
This is a love story, a love story that hasn't happened yet.